Today Kenny took Katherine to Maine for the day to visit with his parents who have a camper up there. In fact, they are still there as I am writing this. They’ve been gone for 8 hours. It feels like they’ve been away from me for about 7 hours too long, and yet today was very necessary.
Katherine just turned two a week ago, and it feels like the few weeks leading up to her birthday a lot was bubbling and brewing inside both of us. Sometimes I look at her and imagine all the little neurons connecting and her cerebellum growing. It’s amazing. She’s learning her colors, how to jump and drink from an open cup and I’m learning how to be a stay-at-home mom without losing myself in the process.
My therapist, who I cannot say enough wonderful things about, continually helps me process my feelings and make connections. This past week I told her that I have been feeling a lot of guilt, self-loathing, anger, and struggling with decision making - and overall just kind of icky and not myself. She reminded me that even though this is my third September in a row that I am not returning to school, this year likely feels different because I have now officially left teaching to be a stay-at-home mom. She said that it’s possible that I feel “out of sorts” because from age 5-36 September meant back to school for me and now I’m in a new phase of life. It was so helpful to hear this because it helped me make sense of why I’ve been feeling “off.” And then it became easier for me to start parsing through the specific emotions and making my OWN plan for how to accept them, let them be or go, and start to feel better. This is the work that doesn’t even happen in the therapist’s office, and the breakthroughs (if you will) often come when I least expect it.
One breakthrough happened today. Before Kenny and Katherine left this morning, I was feeling guilty. I was thinking - why shouldn’t I just go with them? I really wanted some alone time but I wasn’t sure I “deserved it.” Was it selfish? Was it odd for me to want it? However, off they went and I proceeded to have myself A DAY. For me a day includes: getting a fancy latte and gluten free sandwich somewhere, doing a lot of cleaning and organizing, going for a walk, and listening to a ton of music. It was really nice to have so much leisure time. I truly appreciated that for exactly what it was - a brain and body break. However, at the three hour mark I found myself missing the two people who are my whole world and who I love more than anything. Then, just as I was missing them I started getting a bunch of videos from Kenny and my mother-in-law. They were all of Katherine going down three different slides at a playground they were at. Katherine hasn’t gone down a slide on her own in MONTHS. She used to, and then in late May she just stopped. With the exception of her nap and visits from grandparents, we spend 12 hours together every single day. We go to the park almost every day. I can’t help but think that it is not coincidental that the day she decided to start going down slides again, I was not there. Maybe we both needed this break from each other. It’s not exactly feasible that we are going to regularly have breaks of this length frequently, and that’s ok too - because damn I missed her like crazy today. However, I am reminded that we each need our space to learn and grow.
It’s cool to think that we are both in a major learning and growing phase. When things are overwhelming or challenging or scary or upsetting to her - she cries, she melts down, she might lash out physically - you know all the typical “toddler tantrum-y” type things - and it’s so incredibly ok. It’s exactly what she is supposed to do. And when things are overwhelming or challenging or scary or upsetting to me - well…I might not have a tantrum but it definitely makes sense as to why I have been feeling angry and yucky lately. It’s also incredibly ok. We are going to learn and grow together…and also find our space away from one another so we don’t become so codependent and intertwined that we lose ourselves. Because my kiddo remembered she loves slides today when she was out playing with her dada, Gam & Pop. For some reason she forgot she did when she spent too much time with me. And I am not exactly sure what I remembered today…I guess just that I am still a person outside of being a mom and someday (soon?) I’ll find more ways to nourish that again. Until then, I suppose I will just have my alone time and lattes guilt-free! That feels like a really good start.