I Will Not Look Away
One fun thing about my anxiety is that sometimes in the middle of the night, I just lie awake writing Op Ed pieces in my head for some imaginary publication that doesn’t exist. The topics vary, but are usually motivated by something I read while doom scrolling on Instagram.
This tweet kept me up several nights ago:
While I imagine the author of this tweet likely thought she was sharing a liberal/”woke” idea, it just didn’t sit right with me. I tried writing specifically about this tweet and what was triggering about it. I shared some of my rough draft on Instagram, but ultimately - I was having trouble being concise, articulate, and focused - so I abandoned the piece.
Then, literally one day after I chucked what I had been working on, Time Magazine published an article titled The Baby Brokers: Inside America’s Murky Private-Adoption Industry.
Every adult adoptee and birth mom I follow on Instagram was posting about it. I could not stop reading their commentary or watching their stories.
This is not the space where I tell you the story of Katherine’s adoption. That will never happen.
This is not the space where I tell you that the agency we worked with is different, and ethical, and would never coerce birth moms or manipulate prospective adoptive parents or completely disregard the future well-being of unborn children. I can’t. I don’t really know for sure. And anyway, what does is matter? Isn’t that kind of like saying - “not all men.” If this kind of corruption and disregard for human life exists, shouldn’t we shine a light on it and get angry enough about it to do something?
This IS the space where I tell you to read the article. Do not look away.
I benefitted from this unfair industry that is riddled with injustice, racism, classism, a corruption& dehumanization in the name of capitalism. I will not look away.
Motherhood, for me, comes with the long-overdue recognition and understanding of just how much privilege I possess, both as an adoptive mom and a white person.
As someone who struggles with anxiety and intrusive thoughts/obsessions, I really do spend a great deal of time pouring over the words of adult adoptees, birth moms, and Black leaders/scholars/teachers/folx on the internet…to the point where it’s sometimes difficult for me to forgive and love myself due to the weight of understanding all the ways in which I have caused harm just by living my life. And still, I will not look away.
I’m begging you to squelch any desire to reach out with a “oh you’re such a good person” or a “you’ve always just done your best and now you’re doing better.” Please. Don’t paraphrase the incomparable Maya Angelou at me. I know the damn quote. It’s my cover photo on Facebook. SAVE IT. That’s not why I write this shit and you know that.
I write because the truth is the thing I value most. I truly believe that when you know the truth, you are empowered to do great things. Even when the truth hurts. Even when the truth makes you feel sad. Even then. I will not look away.
Will you?