Personality Hire

(This might not even make sense. 🤣 I think I'll click "post" anyway.)

A personality hire is defined by AI as “candidate hired primarily for their personality traits or soft skills rather than their technical skills, qualifications, or experience.”

Due to the fact that, for reasons unbeknownst even to me, I am constantly smiling (but not in a creepy way, just in a very genuinely kind and friendly way) and I have soft skills out the wazoo, I have been somewhat of a personality hire my entire life.

Now of course I’m being a little loosey goosey with the word “hire” here (and a bit heavy handed with the parentheses) but isn’t that kind of “classic” personality hire behavior? Is she really a good writer? Probably not technically, but she sure does use words playfully and knows how to connect with (most) people.

So let’s back up a little here.

When I was in 7th grade I started getting invited to a lot of birthday parties. I mean A LOT. And let me be clear. I was not traditionally “popular.” I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t a cheerleader. My parents didn’t have money. I didn’t buy my clothes at Abercrombie or own a Starter Jacket. I didn’t have my ears double pierced and I hadn’t kissed anyone yet. But all of a sudden I was invited to, like, every single birthday party. And that’s when I realized that I was born with a personality that 95% people love and 5% people loathe and those 5% could kiss my tiny ass because I was going places baby! And the first place was TJ’s sleepover party, where I would meet my very best friend Suzanne! And I feel like because I knew a lot about pop culture, could deliver a one-liner like nobody’s business, had a great laugh, and was genuinely kind and caring - Suzanne chose to put her sleeping bag next to mine even though we really didn’t know each other very well at all. And that my friends was my first experience with being: “a personality hire.”

Suz & I - Besties since 1995

Then later on in Middle School, I won the superlative for “nicest girl” in our 8th grade yearbook, which was a bit of one way ticket to people-pleaser town. I took the compliment and decided to run with it. Actually, I decided to raise the bar for myself. I was determined to be seen as more than just nice. I wanted to make everyone laugh. I wanted to make everyone feel good about themselves. I wanted to make everyone feel comfortable and feel like they belonged. And that’s how I got voted team captain of varsity volleyball my senior year!!! Despite being only 5’1 tall and never quite mastering the overhand serve, I found myself in that “personality hire” position once again. I was the heart and soul of the team; the one with the most spirit who cheered the loudest from the bench and made sure everyone felt included when we did group hangs outside of practice and games. I would hustle all over that court like I had fire under my feet, but I wasn’t really tall enough or strong enough to be taken seriously as an “athlete.”

And so life continued on this way for me, with doors opening and opportunities presenting themselves not due to skill, talent, or “knowing someone” but more often than not because I have a nice smile and a can-do attitude. Not even “nice” in the sense that my teeth were super straight and blindingly white. Just a nice, genuine, warm smile. I’ll give you another example. My sophomore year in college, I decided to try out for the school’s a cappella group. I have always loved to sing; however, am I the most skilled or talented singer? Nah. But I am a true music lover, with a deep catalogue of song knowledge and I can carry a tune. Also, I’m good on stage. I would go as far as to say that I shine on stage, but I don’t want to sound cocky. Remember 5% of people already hate me, let’s not give them more reason. Needless to say I made the group. I mean, not only did I get into the group but during my first rehearsal I scored the solo for the most coveted song, beating out a veteran group member with years of vocal training. Why? Because I rocked it. My stage presence was off the charts and I sold the song like it had been written FOR ME. And do you know HOW I learned how to do that? Beats me. I was born that way. That’s the bitch of “soft skills.” You can’t even really hone them or practice them or teach them. They’re kind of a gift. And sometimes a curse.

Why a curse, you say? Well sometimes when you’re known as a “people person” who can “communicate well” you get roped into being the default person to do certain things at work or in your family or friend group. Guess who always got the biggest speaking role in group projects? Guess who’s presence was always requested at IEP meetings when I was a teacher? Guess how many eulogies I’ve written and delivered? Guess who was nominated to ask the paranoid unhoused man who hoards stacks of books on a desk in the library if perhaps in his pile he had a book we were looking for? I mean it’s not all bad. I’m proud of who I am and I get a great deal of satisfaction out of helping people and making people happy.

But there is a lot of pressure when you measure your self-worth by your ability to successfully navigate human connections and relationships. I really only feel valuable in spaces when I am “on” and all of my personality vibes are vibrating on high frequency. I think that’s why I burnt out as an educator. And I say “burnt out,” but to be fair I gave the profession 13 good years of my one precious life. I’d say pretty quickly into my thirteen year career, I started to notice two very interesting things. I enjoyed connecting with my students more than I enjoyed teaching them AND I genuinely started believing that I was BETTER at forging those connections than actually teaching. These connections are not to be mistaken for friendships. I wasn’t trying to befriend my students, but I was trying to make them feel safe, valued, comfortable, and loved. The actual “teaching English” part of my job ended up feeling like an acting job for me. I learned the part and then went on stage every day. I mean obviously I was qualified. My goodness, I have the student loans to prove that. I took the classes, passed the tests, and truly loved (still do) reading & writing. But I entered the profession assuming that it would be an absolute joy to teach students about imagery & irony and how to write a persuasive essay. I anticipated that the classroom management side of things would always ebb & flow, that there would likely be students who would try my patience, push my buttons, and be downright disrespectful. And yet, still, I assumed my passion for the content would prevail and all the English-y things would make me happy year after year. Funny how those are the things I got sick of quickly and came to dread. The pressure I felt to do those things well was often soul crushing. It’s not that I stopped loving the books themselves or that I stopped believing in the importance of learning to communicate effectively. It’s just that I had come to value the relationships so much more and prided myself on those relationships. So when there was a year when the relationships were extra-challenging, I took that extremely hard. It was a huge blow to my self-image and self-worth as a teacher. Because even though nearly every single one of my 1,000 students (collectively over the years) passed the MCAS on their first try, I never believed that teaching reading comprehension and persuasive writing were my strengths. When the relationship building began to feel like an insurmountable task, I knew I was done. And it broke my heart, because what did I really have if I didn’t have my relationships with my students?

In the classroom - 2017

I still grapple with these feelings today. Not necessarily still mourning the loss of what I created inside my classroom, but the idea that my entire identity and self-worth feels dependent on these aspects of my personality that are all at once vague and exhausting. To be warm and down-to-earth and funny and empathetic and caring and enthusiastic - it’s all so intangible. I don’t create anything, really. Sure I write, but what even is that if not an extension of my personality. I don’t build things. I don’t really bake or cook to speak of. I don’t knit or sew. I don’t make movies or art. I don’t save people’s lives or fix their computers. I don’t have a deep wealth of knowledge about anything particularly useful. I’m a personality hire. That’s why people invite me in and/or keep me around.

So the real burden of being a “personality hire” is this: when I’m not quite feeling myself; when I’m having a bad day (week, month, or year); when I make a mistake, let someone down, decline an invite … it starts to feel like everyone hates me. They don’t. But it really feels that way. Also, remember that 5% I mentioned earlier. Some people really do hate me. They’re the kind of people who hate desserts and puppies, but still. It’s the burden of being sweet and adorable I guess 😉

xo,

A