“Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me, so I can say this is the way I used to be.” - John Mayer
Ah if only it were that simple, Mr. Mayer. You receive your diagnoses on a silver platter, right next to a cup of meds. Down the hatch and then POOF - you’re a new person.
It’s not like that. And as discussed in too many previous newsletters to hyperlink (just kidding I will absolutely hyperlink to them) - who said there’s even anything “wrong” with mental illness?
Sometimes, it really does feel overwhelming though…especially when I get a bad case of “split screen sadness.” Yes it’s a title to a John Mayer song, but it’s also a fun alliterative way to express this very specific feeling that I experience and I love alliteration so I’m stealing it.
So split screen sadness. Let me break it down for you. Imagine an internet browser with two tabs open in such a way that it splits the screen. On one side of the screen there’s a meme that is a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby holding up his drink and smiling. It reads, “Cheers to all my haters! Be patient. So much more is coming.”
On the other side of the screen is a meme that is a tweet from the handle @ymmayer that reads: “I really want to apologize. Not for anything specific but just like in general that’s my mood. I want to apologize.”
The first meme represents the parts of my personality that I generally feel good about: my humor, my boldness, my confidence, my creativity, my passion, my individuality, my courage, my drive. The second meme represents the parts that I generally don’t feel good about: my anxiety, my insecurity, my procrastination, my ambivalence, my neediness, my nervousness, my apathy. Even though I’ve done a lot of work to accept and appreciate every part of who I am, there are still moments when I metaphorically look at those two memes side by side and get really sad - split screen sadness.
I don’t think it negates my growth to admit that sometimes I wish I could JUST be that person who says cheers to my haters. I love that part of me so much. Have I acknowledged that anxiety is part of who I am? Yes. Do I know how to see the benefits of anxiety? Also yes. Do I love being anxious. No I do not.
I try to treat my anxiety like a well-meaning, albeit annoying friend who is just trying to keep me safe, secure, and cozy by “warning” me about potential “dangers.” Sometimes when she sounds an alarm and gets my pulse doing double time and my tummy doing flips, I might be able to say “thanks little buddy; you’re right, this is a very big deal and I’m glad I’m as prepared as can be!” On the other hand, sometimes she’s waving the red flag so fast and so close to my face that I literally can’t even see or think straight. That’s not helpful at all and it is because of those times and during those times that I feel sad and feel resentful that I have to split the screen between the two memes. Sure they’re both funny, but one is clearly the life of the party and the other is buried beneath a weighted blanket. Weighted blankets are nice and all but I can’t get shit done under there.
There’s no big reveal at the end of this one, my people; just an admission that mental illness can be tough. So everyone who has a collection of memes saved on your camera roll that make you laugh and cry at the same time - I see you and you’re doing great. Whether your screen has one, two, or twenty two tabs open…don’t forget you are not a screen and this metaphor can only go so far. You’re human, and that’s a really special thing. Cheers to all of us!
Thank you for this
I love your writing and it helps me see myself and others in new ways. One comment I have is that you call it mental illness, but I see it at mental health challenges. Please keep writing!