The Thing About Boundaries

Yes. Yes. I’ve already broken my new, arbitrary rule of moving away from the blog format and onto the newsletter one, but I’m not going to dwell on it.

Instead I’m going to do what I do and tell you how I really feel…about BOUNDARIES.

While the concept of “setting boundaries” has been popular among people in support groups and therapy since the 1980s, it was a couple of years ago that I saw it really explode as a buzzword. If you’re like me, and you consume a fair amount of mental-health related content online, then I’m sure you’ve noticed. I can’t scroll through Instagram without seeing a pictograph like this at least once a day:

Or a post from some Licensed Social Worker turned Instagram Shrink like this:

There are even Etsy shops creating stickers, wall art, and notebooks with quippy boundary-related quotations:

The thing is, if I’m being honest (which you know I always am), I don’t love the internet’s newfound obsession with boundaries. I think it’s because calling something a “boundary” just adds an unnecessary label, a piece of therapy jargon when someone is just trying to speak their truth.

Listen, as an anxious person, I’ve been setting boundaries for as long as I can remember, and not because anyone told me to, but because I have to - in order to SURVIVE.

When you live with panic and fear and obsession inside your body, sometimes all you can do to prevent yourself from spiraling into a really dark, unhealthy place is to say NO.

The fact that people feel they need permission to say no or to leave early or to cancel last minute or to change their mind or to end a conversation or to not pick up the phone at all is WILD to me. What kind of nonsense is that? Oh wait, I know - it’s the same kind of nonsense that took the term *self care* and made it *fancy.* The audacity is maddening. God forbid I don’t have a lavender scented candle in my bathroom while I shower; I’m clearly not caring for myself correctly if I don’t. 🙄

When (possibly) well-meaning people turn the concept of humans taking care of their basic needs into a fad and the idea of being true to oneself into some newfangled mental-health exercise…I’m going to call BULL SHIT. I just am.

Because here’s the deal. As a mom who struggles with her mental health- for the sake of my own sanity and the well-being of my child - I will damn well continue to set some pretty firm boundaries or whatever. They will change with the seasons. They might not always make sense to others. And best believe they will come from a deep place of truth and knowing myself. Whether you are in therapy or think it’s for the birds, I wish that kind of clarity for you. I also wish that you respect it in others.

There’s a lot of things I don’t understand. My geography skills are atrocious. Please don’t ask me to calculate a tip unless it’s 10% or 20%. I haven’t got a clue when it comes to fashion or home decor. The rules of most sports go way over my head. And those are just the trivial examples.

However, I know who I am and I know what I need to stay healthy. I know that when I say no to an invitation, I will 100% not regret it. I know that when I take a nap in the middle of the day, I will 100% not regret it. I know that when I watch movies with my daughter instead of attempting a completely screen-less day of Montessori-esque activities, I will 100% not regret it.

So the take-away for you dear readers, maybe instead of listening to Instagram mom-fluencers who are begging you to “DO LESS” or mental health professionals who are insisting you set boundaries with your family members…you just listen to yourself? You don’t need memes to tell you what to do. If you need to spend a few days trapped beneath a weighted blanket, just do it. On the other hand, if you think you can bake for the bake sale, attend fifteen holiday parties, listen to family members go off on topics that rub you the wrong way, try to secure Taylor Swift tickets, take on extra projects at work, go to the gym and operate on a nice three hours of sleep/obscene amount of caffeine combo - YOU DO YOU BOO BOO. I won’t judge. Just don’t ask me to join you in those kind of endeavors, cuz my answer will always be the same:

XOXO,

Arianne