Things To Discuss In Therapy Tonight

A non-comprehensive list of things that are stressing me out

Listen!

This isn’t going to be for everybody. Some of y’all are thinking right now: “how she just going to disappear from this newsletter for nearly two months and then show up without so much as an update…jumping right in with a ‘listen’!? Psshhhh (eye roll emoji) this girl is crazy.”

But for those of you who understand anxiety and depression; those of you who are attuned to the seasonal and situational ebbs and flows; those of you who often have to ask yourself if something is truly a facet of your charming personality or is this a symptom or a coping mechanism of some sort? YOU MY FRIENDS, you’ll get this.

I’m all over the map these days.

I get surges of motivation and inspiration. I’ve been on TikTok for the past couple of weeks making *silly little videos* over there. It’s fun. It’s way less time consuming and mentally taxing than sitting down to write, and yet it feels creative and fun. I’ve applied to a few part-time jobs in libraries (SHHHHHH DO NOT TELL KATHERINE). The idea of working in a library is dreamy and enticing. The thought of wearing real clothes and trying to figure out what that much time away from Katherine would look like (both logistically and emotionally) is very overwhelming.

I also get waves of apathy and disconnect. I lose steam with my more important goals - like advocating and fundraising for BIPOC-run organizations and speaking out about things that matter to me like adoption and dismantling white supremacy. I put little to no effort into maintaining the few genuine friendships I still have. I have fleeting and well-meaning *thoughts and prayers* if you will, but very rarely reach out to folks.

All this to say - the newsletter? Haven’t even thought about it in months. That was a different version of me, I guess, who said - I’M BACK BABY. The current version of me is occasionally hopping on the latest TikTok trends and always sneaking naps whenever I get the chance.

I have therapy tonight and I’m just like - meh. What do I even talk about? So, I figured I’d sit down to make a list of things that were stressing me out AND THEN I figured - might as well share it here. LOL Is nothing sacred? I don’t know, but I also know that openness helps to de-stigmatize mental health so here we go.

THINGS THAT ARE STRESSING ME OUT

1. Season 2 of White Lotus

2. My captions on TikTok don’t always make sense/ the punch lines sound funnier in my head and don’t translate well to the finished product but then I post it anyway.

3. My daughter’s health and well-being (this is perpetual and not tied to any past/present/future *actual diagnosis*)

4. The internet and social media. There is too much information out there. I am following too many different accounts run by people who deem themselves experts (I think? or maybe I am just assuming they are - lol, my bad) and all of the information is just OVERWHELMING. Mostly related to parenting, but also like just life in general.

5. Perfectionism - Why do I feel the need to be perfect? Where does that come from? How can one want to be perfect but also find oneself lacking in the drive and determination to reach anything close to perfection in any realm of one’s life?

6. Do I consume too much sugar? Will it kill me? Will it rot my brain? Do I care? I don’t know, but also maybe someone could just tell me that I am consuming a really normal great awesome amount of sugar and I’m totally fine and just keep up the good work sweetie.

7. THE FUTURE :)

Did this feel manic? Are you worried that I’m high right now? I assure you that I am not. I just kind of felt like going all Holden Caulfield and maybe it worked and maybe it didn’t, but I love you all and I thank you for being here! IYKYK and if not that’s ok too.

XOXO,

A

P.S. If you’re on TiKTok - check me out HERE