Do You See What I See?

I’m pretty sure it is written somewhere in the secret toddler handbook (you know that one they all get a copy of but never show us?) that all three year olds should devote several hours a week to snapping photographs on their caretaker’s phone.

Every night before bed I have to spend a few minutes deleting anywhere between 53 and 112 photos that Katherine took throughout the day. Spoiler alert; 98% of them look exactly like this:

But every once in a while I come across one of me, and I think to myself, so this is what Katherine sees when she looks at me.

I know she doesn’t have the cognitive maturity to really have any sort of sophisticated perception of who I am as her mom. I know when she sees me through the lens and tells me “say cheeeeeese” she is playing pretend. She’s mimicking me, because heaven knows I’ve taken my fair share of pictures of her. She’s having fun, and that’s all that matters. And yet, I find myself grateful for these pictures for so many reasons. When I look in the mirror, or hell even just sit and contemplate who I am, I tend to be a pretty harsh critic. I wish I could say that I’m just a bubbly bundle of self-love, but you don’t want me to lie to you, do you? And yet when I look at these pictures (and I don’t mean “through Katherine’s eyes” or anything like that) - when I look at these pictures through MY eyes, I love what I see. Because I see a mom. AND OMG I wanted to be a mom for so damn long. And now here I am. Tired. In the kitchen. On the floor. Often wearing the same exact outfit (or a variation of it). Imperfect. Aging. Usually smiling. I am living the dream.

Call to Action

I am truly blessed to be living my best mom life. I couldn’t do it without my village. Nor could I do it without the privileges afforded to me based on my race and economic class. The inequities of motherhood are vast. It starts with fact that “Black women are three times more likely to die from a pregnancy-related cause than White women. Multiple factors contribute to these disparities, such as variation in quality healthcare, underlying chronic conditions, structural racism, and implicit bias.” ¹

Furthermore, “families of color are disproportionately represented in the child welfare system and are more likely to experience negative outcomes compared to white families. ²

For instance, children of color are more likely to experience multiple placements, less likely to be reunited with their birth families, more likely to experience group care, less likely to establish a permanent placement and more likely to experience poor social, behavioral and educational outcomes.

In a 2019 report on race and poverty bias in the child welfare system, the American Bar Association identified five primary factors that explain the evidence of disproportionality and disparity surrounding racial groups and low-income families in the child welfare system:

• Correlation between poverty and maltreatment.

• Visibility or exposure bias.

• Limited access to services.

• Geographic restrictions.”

Since becoming a mother, I’ve sought out various ways to put my privilege to good use.

#DoneforDidi is an incredible “white labor collective” - where, under the guidance and leadership of Black non-males, white folks can contribute in meaningful ways to authentic, actionable, grassroots projects & initiatives that make a difference in the Black community. Recently, a friend of mine brought to my attention this awesome initiative started by some of the members for this holiday season.

Here’s a little bit about how & why it started:

³“Though white and non-Black folks are often eager to give money around the holidays, this radical campaign moves beyond saviorism and challenges the systemic issues that maintain the need for feel-good campaigns like toy drives and giving trees, all the way back to their sources.

• Decades of discrimination in employment, housing, lending, and the justice system have left Black moms struggling to make ends meet.

• 4 out of 10 people who are unhoused in the US are Black. The average family without housing in the US is a single parent household headed by an African-American woman. It’s a huge disparity, especially when you consider that the African-American population only represents 13% of the total US population. 

• In Boston, rent consumes “about 71% of income in Black neighborhoods but just 35% in White communities,” according to a Forbes study. The Boston Globe’s Spotlight Series found that the median net worth for a Black household in Boston is $8 compared to $247,000 for a white household.

• Black women are typically paid only 63 cents for every $1 paid to white men, regardless of industry.

Your donation to Rent for Moms can help a family have a safe and happy holiday season. When Black moms are supported, Black communities are supported. Black women are the driving force in keeping generations of families and neighborhoods together. When housing is not a stressor, people are able to secure better jobs and build better family and community connections.

Ways to Donate

• Donate online with card, Venmo or PayPal and help secure housing so families can experience joy on their own terms. 

• Donate to a specific location by crediting a local community organizer when you make your donation. 

• Donate by check! 

• Donate as a gift for a friend or family member and we will send them a postcard! "

Closing Thoughts

The pictures of me are more than just snapshots of my joy in motherhood. They are snapshots of my privilege in motherhood as well. The car I drive. The house I live in. The ingredients I use to make pancakes. The clothing that keeps me comfortable. The couch we snuggle on. The cozy furniture that make Katherine’s room so warm and inviting. The fact that I get to be with her every day. The fact that she calls me mom. I would be an absolute fool to take ANY of that for granted. And that is precisely why I donated to Rent for Moms today, why I’m asking you to do the same, and why I will always use my tiny platform and annoying voice for amplifying Black leaders and their initiatives for equity, liberation, mutual aid, and Black joy.

XOXO,

Ari

1. Source: CDC.Gov

2. Source: Childwelfare.Gov

3. Source: Rent for Moms 2022 by #DoneforDidi