The Backpack and the Tote Bag
My therapist, Michelle, is awesome. Over the course of 20 years, I’ve seen nine different mental health professionals. Michelle is the first one who I can honestly say I feel 100% comfortable with and who I feel like is a perfect fit for me. One thing I really love about our work together is that she takes into account the fact that I’m a creative type when giving me exercises to try. She often asks me to personify different parts of my personality (sort of like the movie Inside Out, for you Disney Pixar fans). Another activity is to create metaphors or analogies for different feelings or situations I encounter.
At one of our last sessions we were talking about how Kenny will be traveling for work soon, which is something he hasn’t done at all since Katherine was born. It’s a fairly lengthy trip overseas, and we were talking about how my anxiety has been leading up to it and just how I’m feeling about it in general. I mentioned that I wish he didn’t have to go and I am definitely nervous about parenting solo for several days, AND I also believe I am in SUCH a better place mentally than I was five or six years ago AND know I will be able to handle it. Michelle then asked me to come up with some visuals to represent the “old me” versus “current me.” I thought about it for a while and replied, “the old me was weighed down by a lot of negative thoughts and habits so it reminds me of a really overstuffed tote bag that hurts your shoulder and is completely disorganized…like you dig and dig and can’t find what you need.” “The new me is much lighter so it reminds me an efficiently packed backpack with the little bit of weight distributed evenly, so it’s much easier to carry and there are little compartments so you can always find what you need.”
This visual of the backpack has become a wonderful source of grounding and calm for me in the weeks leading up to my husband’s trip, which is why I really wanted to share it with you all. Whenever I feel my anxiety rising a little bit, I visualize myself with the backpack on. I even do this thing where I put each of my hands right under my shoulders/at my armpits and pretend I’m clutching the straps. I go over what’s in there:
My favorite breathing technique - square or box breathing (see image below)
Sort of rough versions of *famous* quotes like “Nothing is permanent, except change” and “We can do hard things.”
Water
My meds
Snacks (for me and Katherine)
Something cozy
Happy thoughts and belief in myself
Mom and Dad on speed dial :)
It feels really good to believe in myself. I spent many years feeling very vulnerable and helpless. I masked those two feelings a lot, so it may not have always appeared that way, and yet at the core of how I saw myself and how I made decisions was vulnerability and helplessness. Now I see myself as strong and capable. I’ve made it through every difficult moment of my life thus far and I didn’t always believe I could.
Now I KNOW I CAN.